


Secret For The Mad

by KatHowellLester



Series: 123 Days Of HotchxReid [3]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Depression, M/M, Song fic, Suicide, Therapy, healthy co-dependency
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 08:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatHowellLester/pseuds/KatHowellLester
Summary: Aaron watched Spencer pick the lock to the stairs to the roofBased loosely on Secret For The Mad by dodie





	Secret For The Mad

_ I’ve got a secret for the mad _

_ In a little bit of time it won’t hurt so bad _

_ And I get that I don’t get it _

_ But you will burn right now but then you won’t regret it _

 

Spencer waited until everyone in the corridor was gone before he started to pick the lock. He didn’t want anyone to change his mind. It took a bit longer than he originally thought it would, but his hands were shaking. When he finally got the door open, he walked up the stairs to the roof, trying deciding how he wanted to do this. He chose the side of the building with the least amount of traffic, and stepped closer to the ledge.

“What are you doing?” a deep voice calmly asked. Spencer turned around and met eyes with his boss. Spencer didn't even know he was on this side of the city.

“It doesn’t matter. Go back inside.” Spencer looked away from the man, suddenly on the verge of tears.

“It does matter. How about you step away from the edge and we can talk?” Spencer heard him take a few steps forward, his expensive shoes making a small clicks on the concrete with every step he took.

“I don’t want to talk.” Spencer turned back around, looking down at the ground below, where people had began to gather and stare. He didn’t have a lot of time left before the fire department would show up. He took the final step forward, without actually stepping off the ledge, taking a deep breath.

 

_ You’re not gonna believe a word I say _

_ What’s the point in just drowning another day? _

_ And I get that I don’t get it _

_ But the world will show you that you won’t regret it _

 

“I want to talk. I want to know why you’re here.”

“You know why.”

“No, I know what you plan to do. I want to know why.” Spencer heard Aaron step forward. There were sirens coming. Spencer had to do it soon.

“Why do you care? Why can’t you just let me do this?” Spencer’s voice broke, tears streaming down his face. He felt Aaron’s hand gently touch his, and suddenly everything was real. His breath sped up, and it felt like everything was spinning. He turned to face Aaron, and his plans crumbled.

“Please, get away from the edge, Spencer.” Aaron had concern and fright written all over his face and his hand held Spencer’s tighter.

“Aaron,” Spencer whispered. At that point, that was the only thing he could say. 

He had a choice to make. And he had to choose fast.

“Spencer, please.” Spencer looked back down at the ground, but stepped into Aaron’s arms instead. He began to sob, holding onto Aaron.

 

_ Little things, all the stereotypes _

_ They’re gonna help you get through this one night _

_ And there will be a day where you can say you’re okay and mean it _

 

****

It took days for Spencer to finally tell Aaron why he was on the roof. He was surprised that someone cared enough to listen. It was hard to talk about all that he was going through. He was afraid that Aaron wouldn’t believe him or think it was stupid, but he made Spencer feel better. Spencer felt fine for the first time in a long time. And he was okay with that.

 

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _

 

Aaron convinced Spencer to get help. Spencer was a bit angry about it for awhile, but he realised that he was only mad because he had dealt with it all by himself since he was young. He got a therapist. He wanted to get better, and he sought ways to do so.

 

_ There’s nothing to do right now but try _

_ There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry _

_ And I get that they don’t get it _

_ But they love you so much that you won’t regret it _

 

Spencer had an episode when Aaron was out of town. He tried to call him, but he didn’t answer. Spencer struggled with what to do for a long time, not wanting to bother his therapist at two in the morning. He finally decided to call Derek, mostly on the advice of Aaron, who had encouraged him to reach out to friends when he felt this way. It took a lot of convincing on Aaron’s part because Spencer didn’t want to bother anyone.

“Why would they be bothered? They love you Spencer. And so do I.”

“I love you, too.” Spencer hugged Aaron, leaving something unsaid between the two.

Derek answered after a few rings, sounding slightly grumpy about being woken up, but when Spencer explained the situation, he told him that he’d be there soon. While waiting for Derek, he got a call from Aaron. He assured Spencer they could talk more in depth when he got back in a few hours.

 

_ You’re at the bottom, this is it _

_ Just get through, you will be fixed _

_ And you think that I don’t get it _

_ But I burned my way through and I don’t regret it _

 

When Aaron got home, he told Spencer about his own experiences with depression and suicide. It was a hard conversation for the both of them, and Spencer suddenly felt so much worse about what he’d put Aaron through, now knowing what it was like to see someone you love so broken.

“Spencer, you will get through this. We both will. We have each other, okay? I love you.” Spencer jumped onto Aaron, smothering him into a hug and sobbing, blubbering on and on about how much he loved the older man. 

“I didn’t tell you before but I love you. I really love you. You make me feel so much better when you’re around. You help me when I’m anxious or depressed. You go with me to my therapist appointments just to sit in the lobby and wait for me. I love you, Aaron.” Spencer felt Aaron take a deep breath before he laughed slightly.

“Well, I love you, too, you little goof. I do all those things because I love you but I know you’re going through a bad time and it’s not about me. I want you to be safe and happy. I can’t tell you how scared I am to lose you. Standing on the roof with you was the scariest thing of my life and I’m so glad that you are here with me. I’m so glad I followed you. And I’m so glad that you’re feeling better and happier now that you’ve gotten help. I love you, too, Spencer, but I don’t want to take advantage of you.” Spencer sat back, still straddling Aaron’s lap on the older man’s sofa.

“I’ve had a crush on you since we met. You won’t be taking advantage of me but if you’re scared we can go through the long journey of a million dates before anything even happens. I don’t care, I just want to be with you.” Spencer intertwined his fingers with Aaron’s.

“Fine, we can go on a million dates. So, should we start at one now or count all the time we’ve spent together before now? That would probably put us at about date number 500,000. What do you think?” Spencer just laughed and laid back down on Aaron’s chest, telling him to turn the TV on.

 

_ Little things, all the stereotypes _

_ They’re gonna help you get through this one night _

_ And there will be a day where you can say you’re okay and mean it _

 

Three years later, Spencer and Aaron decided to go on a vacation together. Aaron planned to propose, even though he’d be breaking his promise of a million dates.

“I know this might seem dumb, but I think I’m finally okay,” Spencer said, breaking the silence. The two of them were laying on the bed in their hotel room, with Spencer staring at the ceiling and Aaron reading a book.

“I finally feel just  _ okay _ , you know? Normal or whatever.” Spencer looked at him, clearly half asleep and tipsy, but, somehow, Aaron knew exactly what he meant.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Aaron wasn’t sure what else to say, and even though he planned to propose to Spencer at a more special time, he didn’t want to wait. Spencer sighed, closing his eyes for a long second before opening them again.

“Spencer, I want to ask you something.” Spencer hummed in response, looking at Aaron expectantly, though the man stood up and rummaged through one of their bags.

“Forgive me for not kneeling or doing this in an extravagant way, but will you marry me?” Spencer sat up, not speaking, just staring at Aaron and the ring.

“Of - of course, Aaron.” Spencer cried tears of joy and tackled Aaron, much like the night they had spent together three years before.

 

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _

_ I promise you it’ll all make sense again _


End file.
